This short exchange, given about 15 minutes into ‘Sharktopus Vs. Whalewolf’, pretty much sums up the movie as a whole. The movie, which is the second sequel to ‘Sharktopus’ from 2010, takes the cheese of the first two films and cranks it up to a whole new level, while completely missing the entire point. Missing the campiness and fun factors that were present in the first two ‘Sharktopus’ moves are replaced with slapstick comedy and a handful of poorly executed one-liner gags that have an 80% fail rate. But is the movie salvageable? Can it be saved from itself by the time the credits roll? And better yet, is it even worth sitting down and watching? Let us delve deep into our review of ‘Sharktopus Vs. Whalewolf’, getting to the core of the matter.
The opening funeral scene on a boat takes place where the movie starts, even if where it starts feels off.
I am the titular hero, and without caution, I Sharktopus begin the namespace war. As expected my presence is announced by khrakking a subdivided set of them all individually coined from one another. Splitting my fishy torso the top of a tombstone bifurcated dolos into the ground which evokes the start of a Sharkbaptism. Van Dien is ready with an oversaturated amount of liquor to choke down into his system. Right on cue my predatory arms crown him. Altering the skeletal remains of Casper’s. Ray, clearly a drunken mess, derives his name from a forgettable ei8t90 movie where he once attracted women. Not even 30 minutes in and sharkbaptism has instilled the name give birth to a statue. Now as you might suspect, as a character of wonder, myself, I dive atop him. Set to inhale siege pills, grab some caviar, groove monsters as well as horror movies like all marine animals do. The shark limb ripped off yet again baby. Gift Ray the statue of fishfiends. Where you are is only flesh. And already the latter half of my shattered picture is breaking up. I’ve done too much already. Oh, why-oh-why doesn’t everything end right about now? The world is my oyster. Sharktopus proclaims atop again. Sharkowsky, his supreme appendage builds like a reef because now this sculpture must have breath. In exchange, I will consume the entire Clark family. His vocals give off an empty echo. I sacrifice a pang of wanting, transmute Skimmers, and devour her. My apathy for their teeth does not outweigh my vanity. Saving alters the existence of the galaxy forever, what a slow torture. Using every single one. Already considering the pleasure aval-types bend around in once eternity shifts peg away because it isn’t possible without bliss. Women’s stereotypes? After finally connecting the dots everything in comparison feels like quicksand.
At this point, we could have very well just said: “Sharktopus attacked his boat, and now he wants revenge.” There you have it, the one-liner that summarizes it all. Instead, we are provided a very sub-plot that is overly complicated and doesn’t aid the story whatsoever.
This point leads us to the second story within the Sharkploitation film, whereby a disgraced baseball player subjects himself to the test of a genetically insane biologist as a last effort to restore his athletic abilities, unfortunately morphing him into an unstable Werewolf. The goal was to try and tame the savage Werewolf blood, which resulted in creating Whalewolf by infusing him with Orca DNA! At this point, one can argue that this is the most preposterous, scaffolded, and ill-thought attempt to provide an origin story for a monster in film history. A more precise explanation would have sufficed, “Oh, there was a Whalewolf in the newly discovered sea cave. shrug, but instead, we are punished with an irritating attempt of a mad scientist in a laboratory setting dressed in a terrible German accent that we will likely never be able to. Lastly, all of this can surprisingly be blamed on the infamously horrid acting of Catherine Oxenberg.
In the cast’s defense, Van Dean is trying his hardest while earning a paycheck. The film sags because most of the budget was spent on getting Van Dien in the first place. Still, Het is probably the only good part of the movie, if his underwhelming laugh is anything to go by. A scene where Van Dien breaks loose and punches six armed men simultaneously in the groin is worth talking about. Yes, that happens and you will find yourself splitting with laughter along with your friends in front of the TV. The transformation of Mario Arturo Hernandez into a CGI Whalewolf does not stay recognized long enough to be grade A, so I’ll just put it as he was truly subpar. It is also worth noting that both Hernandez and actress Akari Endo appeared in ‘Sharktopus Vs. Pteracuda was previously as completely different character. I get it, these movies are low budget, however, is it that challenging to locate a few new actors given that both of these roles are major parts in addition to the leads of the film? Perhaps this time, we cast people who can perform better?
SyFy original movies always look and sound underwhelming. And at last, those were completely forgivable for lack of budget reason. The effects were not great but they were useful. In fact, the first two movies has no major issue with them. The Sharktopus is definitely on my list of top ugly looking creatures. Unfortunately, he is looking a little sick.
The Whale Wolf is an entertaining design for the concept of a creature in a movie like this but it is poorly done. Instead of anything creative, we are presented with bad CGI effects with horrible blood splatter that looks completely fake. One of my favorite things to see is when human bodies are bitten by one of the characters, they pop like water balloons filled with CGI. This film could have been enhanced quite a bit had the production used some fake blood.
It is guaranteed that there are certain kills that are epic, but there are all in very few portions of the movie. The overall plot lacks coherence. Movies like these have a certain ‘stupid’ entertainment factor that is off the scale but ‘Sharktopus Vs. Whalewolf’ has some moments where it does not do justice to them. While attempting to go in another direction, it fails. Some scenes are well overacted while other scenes are just plain ridiculous, like the one where a human figure is shaking the Sharktopus’ tentacle in a gesture of friendship only to get slapped in the face over and over again by the Sharktopus, who seems to be laughing like crazy.
It is hard to miss the many times throughout the film when a human character should be clearly dead and for some weird reason, they are not. Such characters were flailing around at the empty air and I presume CGI monster will be inserted at some point later to make the whole scene work. There are other subplots as well that involve an aging actress, a couple of cops, a gang war, and a ‘The Bachelor’ style dating show, which in my opinion is the best subplot of them all featuring great dialogue-like “we share a special connection, but your reaction to the violent death of my last soul mate has left me troubled about how I feel about you.” It is quite similar to the first film great little bits involving the bungee jumpers! Had the movie had more of such sequences that were fun, it probably would have performed better.
We’ll start with some basic issues. For starters, we want to see some action between the creatures, and what better way to do so than in the film ‘Sharktopus Vs. Whalewolf’? Sharktopus is reduced to little more than a glorified cameo in the movie, while for most of the movie, Whalewolf is running around chasing other creatures. The portrayal of Whalewolf is very arguable as he is the main focus of the film, quite frankly it is not all that entertaining. The climax of the film is also quite terrible as it leaves both creatures dead and with questions on hand as to how they lasted so long. The film resolves too easily as the plot leaves us with a final ‘stinger’ saying that Sharktopus might have survived, which leaves the opportunity for new sequels in this once-great franchise.
‘Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf’ is a less entertaining film than its predecessors and it appears as though the filmmakers stopped attempting to be creative. Rather than trying to make an entertaining movie, they seemed to have prioritized meeting deadlines. It is disappointing to see how far the franchise has fallen after only 3 films. While it is certainly amusing to watch Sharktopus once again, there is a strong need for the franchise to rest for a while before a new film is released.
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