There are bad movies, there are really bad movies, and there’s “Lumina,” a stunningly pitiful effort at every single level that makes one think that the writers are going for a deliberate model of The Room or Birdemic and playing for the audience only.
What’s with some of the awful shot selection, the hair-brained plotting, sketchy characterizations, and the dialogue, is it an A.I. attempt in translating a poorly written script in some language or Google that tries to make sense of everything? Spotted in the cast is Eric Roberts a phenomenal talent and one of the busiest actors in the history of his trade who comes in and out in minutes and sort of brightens the mess with entertaining line delivery, even if his particular shot gets obliterated by the idiot beam that this flick appears to be making a mess of possessing. Roberts has cranked more than 700 films in his career and it is clear this was not the top one on his to-do list.
The romance movie “Lumina” starts off relatively like a relationship venturing drama, wherein there are two characters, Alex (Rupert Lazarus) and is Tatiana (Eleanor Williams). There is an ex named Delilah (Andrea Tivador), who is a threat to their relationship, but the storyline gets sidelined when aliens come in and capture Tatiana, who matures in a horrible CGI sweeps left which leaves Alex so love sick that he fashions a disgusting fake beard and slashes his already minimal acting performance even lower. I shouted when I saw this shot where Alex was lost staring at the pool where this imagine of tatiana was pretending to be like Carl Weathers in “Happy Gilmore” but in the clouds. This is one choice from many which communicates that it must have been done on purpose to induce laughter.
One minute, it’s Alex, Delilah, Patricia (Sidney Nicole Rogers) and George (Ken Lawson) and the next they are flying across countries in search of Tatiana. This brings them under the hold of the mysterious alien kidnapper called Thom who is played by Roberts in one of the many guest appearances. Roberts’ day here seems to have unambitiously trudged to fund the picture and culminates in a chase of marvelous cacophony.
The ronnin cats are back on the car once again, but this time in a round with the parents of Tatiana, asking them about other spellings domestic setting from a history of alien abductions, which apparently she didn’t want to bring up with the love of her life, joining roads across the desert to a secretive structure which can be mutant, government or any other decorating nonsense, Yes, of course, it is impossible. This is surprising, I know. And the sticky CG that characters and the menace are rarely, almost never in the same frame, also doesn’t help.
Where does one even begin to speak about “Lumina”? In some scenes, it feels as though the end will never come – it’s 112 minutes! Other parts are clearly underexposed which created bizarre jumping cuts since the film doesn’t have the regular plot transitions. None of it makes a lick of sense, therefore wading through specific WTF scenes seems like a pointless endeavor, but there is one with a goat that I will always remember.
Once again, that is probably intentional. I am sure that I did ‘The Room’ more than anyone remembers how bad that movie was in the same year or even the same decade. And so “Lumina” will be remembered as that one does when thinking about his abduction nightmare which has aliens in it. Well, in that case, I guess that would be more enjoyable.
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